I've been crying on and off a lot lately. It was triggered by the interview I had recently with TV5 na BAKIT NGA BA WALA PA KAMING ANAK? Most importantly, WHY DON'T I WANT TO HAVE KIDS?
Background:
It was around 10 am two weeks ago when TV5 Reaksyon texted me and asked me if I'm willing to do an interview with them about having a childless marriage. Since I already did this with ABS-CBN's Umagang Kay Ganda before, I decided to say YES. It was 5:30 pm on the same day when they got here at home. For the first time, the interview was done at our front yard. Usually, when TV networks interview me for various things (see my other TV interviews on my sidebar under SEXY NOMAD ON TV!!!), we do it in our lanai. So this one's a bit different, at least location-wise in our house. Hehe.
Some shots were also done while I was playing with my drums, playing with our foosball, upstairs while working and in our bedroom but I was already too preoccupied at that time.
Thank you, Renz Ongkiko for the fun interview and I swear, kamuka mo talaga si Hayden Kho! And thank you Journal Fabella for producing a great segment. :)
So when I got interviewed by Reaksyon TV5 a few weeks ago, I mentioned some things that I didn't get to tell ABS-CBN's Umagang Kay Ganda back in February when they also interviewed me (see videos below)... But still, I felt like I wasn't able to answer them fully. I had this lingering knot in my stomach that I felt I'd have to get to the bottom of. WHY DON'T I WANT TO HAVE KIDS?
You see, my husband, Peter, and I are 35 years old. We've been married for 11 years. And though our original plan was to not have kids (which I told him when he courted me back in 1999 because I didn't want to become a mom), I kind of hoped that my feelings about it would change. My friends told me that the "mother in me" will eventually kick in. I kept waiting and waiting for the feeling, the craving to have kids, but it never came. Every time I'd have a pregnancy scare, waiting for those lines to be positive or negative would always turn out to be the longest and scariest minutes of my life! I'd break into cold sweat, my knees would shake and my stomach would knot as if a million worms were eating my insides!
The experience was always that terrible for me. And every time the pregnancy test turned out negative, I'd be washed over with HUGE relief! Then thoughts of doubling our condom use would pop into my head, or perhaps, not having sex at all would be the best solution. It's crazy, isn't it? I am crazy.
The experience was always that terrible for me. And every time the pregnancy test turned out negative, I'd be washed over with HUGE relief! Then thoughts of doubling our condom use would pop into my head, or perhaps, not having sex at all would be the best solution. It's crazy, isn't it? I am crazy.
Through introspection and counseling help from Peter, this NOT WANTING TO HAVE KIDS all boils down to my negative relationship with money. Here's what he said:
